Friday, December 23, 2011
some times life plays very pity games with us. I don't think that is exactly true. Most time we felt that life plays unfair to us, is the time we actually came to know about our self, what we really is.Recently I came to know very hard digesting matter regarding myself, I'm really a fool, actually am not emotionally matured.
I saw him on the month of April in 2006 though that time I neglect the indication,' You are a Fool".After that I saw him many more times and gradually I make myself to believe that I have something on him. I was doubt only on whether it is only a infatuation or it is a really the so called love. My so sweet seventeen can't make a proper judgement on that time. But I was fine with what am feeling at that time. Whenever he is on my sight my heart beaten up so fast and loudly. I felt undefined and mysterious fear and thinks that my heart will blast in any moment. I want to see him every moment and thinking about him every second from the first moment i woke up and until I fall in sleep. He was crossing my mind every seconds. But whenever how was in front of me I want to escape from his sight, I was so..... I don't know how to put it in words.....
Though I never talked him or I never express my feeling towards him through any way, a belief in be become stronger an stronger, that he was feeling the same. As my colorful day dreams and beautiful days are went on suddenly one day my dearest sister came to know about my thoughts through my diary. She was hurt by the fact that though we don't keep any secrets from each other, I tried to hide this. She didn't talked to me for two days and that was the unbearable punishment I ever got. After a lot of emotional drama and atyachar with the consent of my bro-in-law she made me to promise that never again think such things about him and also I will be happy. I prayed to God that please take him away from my sight and so I can keep my promise( God was very kind towards me in this and this is the prayer I ever repent). Ya after that I always be happy in front of her. But he made me in tears lot of my nights and whenever I heard the word LOVE he cross my mind.
The days gone without any life and I become more centered to my own world, includes my family and friends. After Graduation I joined for the PG program and I get my laptop with net service. I started searching for him in the social network though I was not confident about his name and details. But for some times I was doing only searching and didn't care about my works. I prayed to God that I want to see him, at least for one time, but HE sticks to my old prayer. Slowly I come back to my life concentrating on my studies and life around me. In the meanwhile I heard lot of proposes, but I don't know I neglect those words thinking that the beauty of those words only come from him. This made me left alone in the campus in so many occasions since I wasn't interest any other company. But thanks to all my friends who made my life alive and add colors.
After my PG I worked for some time and continues my search on the network. I want to forget the promise or I don't want to tolerate more pain. I don' t know how many times I terribly felt to see him, how many times I miss him and how many times he fill my eyes with tears. I always bear the pain of missing him and keep a question that why he left me???? I quit my job for searching job in the Government sector and suddenly One day I found him in the social media. My excitement has no limits and my happiness have no words. But I was shocked to receive a message from him that who are You. I asked myself How could you forget me, you cant do that. That made me to try a game on him. I didn't reveal my identity and he become angry on me.
He took a day to recognize me and I didn't get the fact that I was none among the life around him. I was irritated and don't want to accept the fact that all was my mistakes. I was showing my dislike of his behaviors through pause. But he didn't mind who I am and how I am..... and sometimes after he DELETE me from his list, saying that am not responding to his quarries. Really it was a shock. It was out of my imagination, he just DELETE me.
You know something I was searching for you for the past 5 years and you were in my heart for every seconds of my life. When you press the remove button you are punching me on my heart. To the best of my knowledge you the first and last one I ever want to be with, I ever dreamed of, I ever waited for........ But you just delete.
Now I understand I am a fool who spoil every moment on a person who don't care about me who don't even know me.......... I cried for the one who never care about me I was dreaming for the obne who never imagined about me. All I spent my time on the imaginative world were we were living happily.. Now I know I was in a fake world for me a heaven but it collapsed now an I fall down, though the world was fake the fall make the real pain.......... I don't know how long I have to cry for..........