If it wasn't happened!!!!!

some times life plays very pity games with us. I don't think that is exactly true. Most time we felt that life plays unfair to us, is the time we actually came to know about our self, what we really is.Recently I came to know very hard digesting matter regarding myself, I'm really a fool, actually am not emotionally matured.

I saw him on the month of April in 2006 though that time I neglect the indication,' You are a Fool".After that I saw him many more times and gradually I make myself to believe that I have something on him. I was doubt only on whether it is only a infatuation or it is a really the so called love. My so sweet seventeen can't make a proper judgement on that time. But I was fine with what am feeling at that time. Whenever he is on my sight my heart beaten up so fast and loudly. I felt undefined and mysterious fear and thinks that my heart will blast in any moment. I want to see him every moment and thinking about him every second from the first moment i woke up and until I fall in sleep. He was crossing my mind every seconds. But whenever how was in front of me I want to escape from his sight, I was so..... I don't know how to put it in words.....

Though I never talked him or I never express my feeling towards him through any way, a belief in be become stronger an stronger, that he was feeling the same. As my colorful day dreams and beautiful days are went on suddenly one day my dearest sister came to know about my thoughts through my diary. She was hurt by the fact that though we don't keep any secrets from each other, I tried to hide this. She didn't talked to me for two days and that was the unbearable punishment I ever got. After a lot of emotional drama and atyachar with the consent of my bro-in-law she made me to promise that never again think such things about him and also I will be happy. I prayed to God that please take him away from my sight and so I can keep my promise( God was very kind towards me in this and this is the prayer I ever repent). Ya after that I always be happy in front of her. But he made me in tears lot of my nights and whenever I heard the word LOVE he cross my mind.

The days gone without any life and I become more centered to my own world, includes my family and friends. After Graduation I joined for the PG program and I get my laptop with net service. I started searching for him in the social network though I was not confident about his name and details. But for some times I was doing only searching and didn't care about my works. I prayed to God that I want to see him, at least for one time, but HE sticks to my old prayer. Slowly I come back to my life concentrating on my studies and life around me. In the meanwhile I heard lot of proposes, but I don't know I neglect those words thinking that the beauty of those words only come from him. This made me left alone in the campus in so many occasions since I wasn't interest any other company. But thanks to all my friends who made my life alive and add colors.

After my PG I worked for some time and continues my search on the network. I want to forget the promise or I don't want to tolerate more pain. I don' t know how many times I terribly felt to see him, how many times I miss him and how many times he fill my eyes with tears. I always bear the pain of missing him and keep a question that why he left me???? I quit my job for searching job in the Government sector and suddenly One day I found him in the social media. My excitement has no limits and my happiness have no words. But I was shocked to receive a message from him that who are You. I asked myself How could you forget me, you cant do that. That made me to try a game on him. I didn't reveal my identity and he become angry on me.

He took a day to recognize me and I didn't get the fact that I was none among the life around him. I was irritated and don't want to accept the fact that all was my mistakes. I was showing my dislike of his behaviors through pause. But he didn't mind who I am and how I am..... and sometimes after he DELETE me from his list, saying that am not responding to his quarries. Really it was a shock. It was out of my imagination, he just DELETE me.

You know something I was searching for you for the past 5 years and you were in my heart for every seconds of my life. When you press the remove button you are punching me on my heart. To the best of my knowledge you the first and last one I ever want to be with, I ever dreamed of, I ever waited for........ But you just delete.

Now I understand I am a fool who spoil every moment on a person who don't care about me who don't even know me.......... I cried for the one who never care about me I was dreaming for the obne who never imagined about me. All I spent my time on the imaginative world were we were living happily.. Now I know I was in a fake world for me a heaven but it collapsed now an I fall down, though the world was fake the fall make the real pain.......... I don't know how long I have to cry for..........

A Small Wish.... Actually Not so small.....

Some people came into your life accidently but as the time passes such people become your life. I don’t know how such things still exist in the fast moving world. How we are still being human in such an inhuman world. Yes such feeling made the human life over the earth. Though such feelings are for the time being, people live in those moment without any means.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling in any person’s life; irrespective of the gender difference we enjoy that feeling. I wish I also fall in love with my dream….. a dream that is only exist for me…..

Collage and College

What is great in this??? You may think the same. But when you make mistake like this at the PG level something is there, it is understood that no great things( PG stands for post graduation, in a collEge life you may have so many PGs) I done the mistake today in my request for reimbursement. Like as the old says " Mongan erunna pattinte thalayil enthoo... veenu", the great mistake become a reason to make fun and the same can delay the cash-flow. But I really feel embarrassed, not because I made the mistake, but because they found that.. (Hehe) I always like that. My great thought

"There is nothing wrong in making mistake, and it is a great talent if nobody catch you for that".

But today I failed to hide a simple spelling mistake... Shame on you.... But it can happen, right? ya, In the lifetime of every great people, there is something like this :P

Learning- College-institution, academic. Collage- Collection, patchwork... What a difference ( but for us both are somewhat same:-) )

Budget analysis- How a day can be waste

Today our full day is allotted for Budget analysis. I don't understand what learning we got from that, apart from the creative gossip. I felt that due to the food inflation and price inflation whatever policies the Govt. going to introduce is not going to provide any benefit for the "Aam Admi". As a middle class member I don't find any excitement in the introduction of GST, DTC,FII policies and other etc etc. Obviously the corporate have some fishing on these offers.

So we are simply sitting in front of the television ( actually in the back row), people have their own business to do. And three of us were try to find out the conversation between a couple who were also sitting in the room, seems to be completely lost in their world. :-)

What a Raindrop can evoke....!!!!!!!

It is a sunny bright morning. I was sitting idle in front of my table, cursing the morning, why it is coming so early? My dear friend, my diary gave a weird look to me for my grumpy expression on a fresh morning. I flip through the pages, so as to find how many lies I told to myself. To my surprise I found a few, ya am improving. Compared to my last diary, were I wrote only my fictions rather than reality. I thought I can write something today. But what??? I asked to myself, as usual no answer. I always wondered on a fact that I never get an answer from myself... Strange isn't it?

Suddenly the climate began to change. Dark clouds is on the starting point of their race at the west horizon and the strong wind is begin to blow all over my surrounding. It seems like a Mahesh Bhatt's ghost movie, that the sunny day suddenly changes to dark cloudy day mixed with enough silence. Yes, a perfect background for his horror movie. But where is the character actors, obviously the main lead is here, the ghost uff me...:-) I took my pen with the pledge that I will write something, but before I could found a subject the rain drops began to fall on the earth. The sound of raindrops touches my roof remains me somebody throws stone on the roof. The smell of the union of mud and water is now spread all around my room and as usual I enjoyed the smell, since I am in love with this natural fragrance.

I tried to caught the raindrops through my window, but the wind frequently shout down my window with a panic noise. So as to save my hands I stop my play. Because of the strong breeze some drops of water visit my room so as my diary. My diary asked me "Are you trying to kill me, you stupid?"

"No my dear I wont and I never, Sorry." I close my diary and place my head above it, some more rain drops fall on my face that speed up my sleepy mood and slowly I fall in the sleep of thoughts.

Now I wonder is it the same girl, before two weeks who want to die, who actually tried. Before 14 days the same girl who thought that life doesn't have any meaning, who hate everybody, no more dreams, no more smile. I can't believe that the same girl is feeling the beauty of nature as well as the life. Too strange. My thought travel two weeks backs to the day she or I actually tried to suicide. Ya that sounds odd to me now.

I,a final year botany PG student who spend most of the time in the lab looking through the microscope for the minute feeling of plant and searching the miracles in their life, am way back to my home from was thinking in the train even though my eyes were looking through the window for the scenery outside, but my mind is somewhere else. I am thinking of my foolish reactions to the things and am pity towards myself that I lived in the imaginative world. How could I can be like that? I found myself in a mute world. I know that someday this will happens to me, but I always wish for a magic. I wish the things would be as like my granny's bedtime stories that a angel comes and wag her stick so as our wish come true. Yes, I believed everything I hear or pretend to be. I felt my world end at a certain point.

Yes you can imagine from the above description that am talking about my LOVE, now the term itself seems to be so strange to me. My Love, the one and only in my entire life. Today is the day my world stopped, my dreams fade and I found all the color in my life wash out.... in simple language he ditch me. His voice is still in my ears, " We can't go like this. I think we both know its over and there is nothing left to talk about. You know about me and Nisha, I kept silence because I want you to talk about, but you never try to face the reality. You can be a committed wife of someone, and you are a wonderful daughter too.... But I afraid not a lover. I am not feeling guilt for talking this way, hope you also don't. You know, actually I never think it will end like this. But everything happens for good, take care dear, see you someday, bye".

What is it all mean? Someone's wife and a good daughter but not anything for him. That is the only thing I want to be. How could you do this to me Abhi akka Abhilash? Nisha, I never consider her. Why should I? He is like that, a sort of play boy and I never interfere any of his business or his serious time passing works. I thought I was giving him space, so as I want mine. Now, how rude he is.... I am not okay. He is my future, my family and I care so much about him. I can't let this happen or he can't leave me like that. But what I can do now, can't stop him or I wish he himself stop that.

I was characterized by the most happening, energetic girl, in my school and also in collage, everybody feels so because I always with him and I am happy and cherishing. Whenever I have any problem I don't know he solve everything, obviously not always a best solution, but he never let any of my dreams or worries end up in tears. So in my part there is no worries, no tensions- safe zone. I felt like But now when he leaves me in the deep valley of darkness and walk away without looking at me, I felt horribly bad. ( continue....)

Decency

I am deeply thinking about myself. Someone today told me that I am a decent girl. I really don't understand what is that? Is decency is really good? People sometimes overtake you and you can't react in a bolder way because you are so polite and you can't say no to people. I want to say no and yes to people. Sometimes people doesn't consider that you have your own opinion. They thought that decent people can adjust with anythings and we don't need to consider them.

But when such people need any help from these decent people, they are not ashamed and sometimes it seems that they are ordering to poor decent. I hate those kind of persons who take decisions without taking care of others feeling..... The very selfish shameless people, only think about their own comforts and imposes their decision on others. If we tries to oppose it that makes you the person disliked by others. If you tried to adjust you have to adjust your whole life....

It is ok if you are adjusting something for those people who loves you or you are adjusting in love. But for these mean people Why? The answer for these when ever I asked to myself I got is like this, In a group you have to neglect this. But am not satisfied with the answer. It is not like that. In a group everyone has the equal importance. So it is all in me, mistakes in me. I don't want to be decent. I want little bit arrogant and rude too....... Who cares otherwise...???

The Lost Reminiscence.....

Sometimes I get surprised by the thing that how the memory plays a dynamic role in a person's life. In a life time we forget somethings and we remember somethings. Actually what I feel is there is no long term memory. We forget things as time moves on. In each season's of our life we think that this is the most amazing stage of our life and it will be there in the most sweet memories. But why time proves you wrong?

Ya memories get fade as the fallen leaves. Sometimes we found difficulties in recollect those moments we cherish and laugh from the soul. Is this only because of the changes happens around us or because we are all fake. Or I just feel it only because am in a state of nostalgia. I want to go back to those times were I live with all my spirits and my own innocence. No, but I didn't have any guilt in my mind.... obviously somewhere am wrong, but I can justify that.,,

I always believe that when I fall in Love with a person that is the most beautiful time in my life.....Is this is a reason that I didn't care what I really have? I never fell anywhere and I allows the sweet memories to dip in the depth of forgone...I wait for the natural happens and I miss whatever I have naturally..... Can I go back to the time when I walk to the way to my home between the paddy fields, I listen to the music of the nature, birds, and I receives that much of care some times I feel suffocate and tried to escape and really laugh from my heart. I never know that there is fake world outside my village.....I only see the innocent faces there and I enjoy each and every moments.....

But when I enter here where I am I forget those things and I participate in the race of beating the one who stands front of you and I saw people who can smile at you even they don't like you. Every one is running, no one is bother about each other, even though they acting like they really are.... Now I want to live my own ways, I want to smile at my heart, I want to live for me and my loved ones... I love my world and my thoughts and I hold my beautiful memories so that I can make my present and future as beautiful as they are... :-)