I was characterized by the most happening, energetic girl, in my school and also in collage, everybody feels so because I always with him and I am happy and cherishing. Whenever I have any problem I don't know he solve everything, obviously not always a best solution, but he never let any of my dreams or worries end up in tears. So in my part there is no worries, no tensions- safe zone. I felt like But now when he leaves me in the deep valley of darkness and walk away without looking at me, I felt horribly bad. ( continue....)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
It is a sunny bright morning. I was sitting idle in front of my table, cursing the morning, why it is coming so early? My dear friend, my diary gave a weird look to me for my grumpy expression on a fresh morning. I flip through the pages, so as to find how many lies I told to myself. To my surprise I found a few, ya am improving. Compared to my last diary, were I wrote only my fictions rather than reality. I thought I can write something today. But what??? I asked to myself, as usual no answer. I always wondered on a fact that I never get an answer from myself... Strange isn't it?
Suddenly the climate began to change. Dark clouds is on the starting point of their race at the west horizon and the strong wind is begin to blow all over my surrounding. It seems like a Mahesh Bhatt's ghost movie, that the sunny day suddenly changes to dark cloudy day mixed with enough silence. Yes, a perfect background for his horror movie. But where is the character actors, obviously the main lead is here, the ghost uff me...:-) I took my pen with the pledge that I will write something, but before I could found a subject the rain drops began to fall on the earth. The sound of raindrops touches my roof remains me somebody throws stone on the roof. The smell of the union of mud and water is now spread all around my room and as usual I enjoyed the smell, since I am in love with this natural fragrance.
I tried to caught the raindrops through my window, but the wind frequently shout down my window with a panic noise. So as to save my hands I stop my play. Because of the strong breeze some drops of water visit my room so as my diary. My diary asked me "Are you trying to kill me, you stupid?"
"No my dear I wont and I never, Sorry." I close my diary and place my head above it, some more rain drops fall on my face that speed up my sleepy mood and slowly I fall in the sleep of thoughts.
Now I wonder is it the same girl, before two weeks who want to die, who actually tried. Before 14 days the same girl who thought that life doesn't have any meaning, who hate everybody, no more dreams, no more smile. I can't believe that the same girl is feeling the beauty of nature as well as the life. Too strange. My thought travel two weeks backs to the day she or I actually tried to suicide. Ya that sounds odd to me now.
I,a final year botany PG student who spend most of the time in the lab looking through the microscope for the minute feeling of plant and searching the miracles in their life, am way back to my home from was thinking in the train even though my eyes were looking through the window for the scenery outside, but my mind is somewhere else. I am thinking of my foolish reactions to the things and am pity towards myself that I lived in the imaginative world. How could I can be like that? I found myself in a mute world. I know that someday this will happens to me, but I always wish for a magic. I wish the things would be as like my granny's bedtime stories that a angel comes and wag her stick so as our wish come true. Yes, I believed everything I hear or pretend to be. I felt my world end at a certain point.
Yes you can imagine from the above description that am talking about my LOVE, now the term itself seems to be so strange to me. My Love, the one and only in my entire life. Today is the day my world stopped, my dreams fade and I found all the color in my life wash out.... in simple language he ditch me. His voice is still in my ears, " We can't go like this. I think we both know its over and there is nothing left to talk about. You know about me and Nisha, I kept silence because I want you to talk about, but you never try to face the reality. You can be a committed wife of someone, and you are a wonderful daughter too.... But I afraid not a lover. I am not feeling guilt for talking this way, hope you also don't. You know, actually I never think it will end like this. But everything happens for good, take care dear, see you someday, bye".
What is it all mean? Someone's wife and a good daughter but not anything for him. That is the only thing I want to be. How could you do this to me Abhi akka Abhilash? Nisha, I never consider her. Why should I? He is like that, a sort of play boy and I never interfere any of his business or his serious time passing works. I thought I was giving him space, so as I want mine. Now, how rude he is.... I am not okay. He is my future, my family and I care so much about him. I can't let this happen or he can't leave me like that. But what I can do now, can't stop him or I wish he himself stop that.